The New Avengers
by alexb73
Summary: A scrpit my friend and I once created pretending we were Tony Stark and Captain America. Rated M for language, no slash


_**I do not own Captain America, Tony Stark the Avengers or anything of that nature.**_

_**Captain America's lines are bolded, Tony Starks' are underlined and italicised.**_

**Is your google unprotected? **

_You'll never know ;)_

**Come on Stark; tell me your secrets**

_NEVAAAAAARRRRRR!_

**I'LL tell you my secrets if you tell me yours haha**

_You lying old man!_

**Old Man? Who are you talking to? Just because I was frozen, doesn't mean I'm old. I'm** **counting years I have been breathing, not frozen**

…_..You knew my father._

**Yeah, and I dated your mother**

_O.O BITCH! Would that make me a bastard child?_

**No, But it would make Pepper one, I had sex with her mother**

_How are you Captain America? America isn't full of lying fat mother fuck- ohh wait. Yes it is._

**Dude, you live in America too. Think about it. But at least I don't blow up and make weapons** **for other countries so they can destroy what country we have left.**

_JARVIS Move the house to Canada! We'll destroy America from there!_

**You will never get past security, plus I am good friends with the president of the United States. I** **can easily put you in prison for the rest of your life. With no outside communication, and no** **technology. Even you wouldn't be able to get out of there. And if you move to Canada you** **better practice your eh.**

_Screw the "eh". I could never get used to doing that. But I could get used to making JARVIS say it all the time. I think I'll put a house up there. _

**Wow, man. Have some patriotism, where is the love for your country?! Come on man! You** **protect here, and you're leaving? Wait, if you're leaving, what does that say about America? It** **would probably break into ww3 if you leave. FORGET LEAVING THE COUNTRY! Call the Green** **Lantern, we'll leave the world.**

_Screw Green Lantern. Let's call Thor! He lives in freaking Asgard or whatever it's called. Maybe we'll all grow long luscious hair like him._

**I can't see myself with long hair. Hell, I can't see you with long hair Stark!**

_Imagine us. The Avengers strutting through town looking like Black Widow. Flipping our hair and thinking we're hot….. Wait, I am._

**I can see us running slowly on a beach, Black Widow about to get a black eye. Thor about to** **punch himself in the balls with his hammer. And Hawkeye tripping over someone's foot**

_The rest of us running slowly chests swaying as we run…. Imagine pepper *Drool*_

***SMACK!* cut it out!**

_I was having the best day dream…. WANNA HEAR IT? :D_

**No Stark, I really don't want to. I can only imagine what goes on in that little brain of yours.**

_LITTLE BRAIN?! Genius, millionaire, playboy, philanthropist. SUCK IT CAP!_

**YOUR'RE JUST MAD THAT YOU DON'T HAVE A SHEILD**

_You're jealous you don't have a super suit!_

**I don't need one; I'm super all by myself**

_That sounded incredibly gay….. _

**You're just mad that you're not as awesome as I am, and the fact that I can have any girl that I** **want to, and you only get one!**

_Psh, before I was with Pepper, I was with a different model every night. If I wasn't with Pepper I could get any one I wanted._

**Yeah, I doubt that. At least the girlfriends I will have won't have saggy boobs. Plus, the girls that** **I date aren't only interested in the publicity behind dating me.**

_Who cares if they want the publicity…. I GET THEM.__And they don't have saggy boobs. Trust me, dude. Trust me._

**Oh, yeah. Listen, I would call you a douche, but that would mean you actually got close to** **pussy. And the only boobs you have seen is from the porn on TV.**

_At least I can afford the porn on TV. Actually screw that I can afford to bring the pornstars to MY house. I can have it live!_

**Bitch please! I don't even need to porn stars, I can just get my ex girlfriends and watch them go** **at it. Even if they hate each other, they will do whatever I ask. ;)**

_Dude, all your ex girlfriends are dead. FROZEN IN 1942….. Sorry that may have been too far. My bad dude._

**Way bring up old scars man. Oh wait, I can get Pepper's mom and your Mom to do something…** **when they were younger though.**

_O.O" NASTY IMAGES… MAKE THEM GO AWAY! AHHHH! MOTHER FUCKER!_

**HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHA SUCK IT BITCH!**

_BITCH, I can hire people to KILL you! But I won't it's a waste to pay somebody to do something I can do on my own. BITCH I WILL CUT YOU! _

**Dude, you sound like a black lady! And don't even start; I will cut your head off with my shield!** **Stupid Canadian. **

_Screw Canada, we had this conversation. We are going to Asgard! I mean seriously look at Thor If he wasn't so stupid he might be able to get chicks, just because of his hair!_

**I still can't see you with all the hair, it creeps me out. I have little doubt that it would creep out** **Pepper too haha**

_Yeah, probably…. Hey, how come Loki never gets any girls? He has freaking mind control and still can't get one! That is freaking terrible! It means no woman would tap that, even under mind control! XD_

**I guess that he's just that nasty. Or maybe the girls all know that he can put them under mind** **control so they avoid him. Or maybe no girl goes near him is because he's gay…..**

_Ya' know that makes sense. I mean the way he walks and talks. No girls go for him. Yeah, pretty sure he's gay._

**I have no doubt in my mind; maybe we should ask Thor if he really is gay…. Oh, wait! What if he** **is really a girl! I mean, think about it! He has long hair, complains and acts like he's PMSing all** **the time!**

_Maybe we should watch out. His might start soon. RUN THOR RUUUUN!_

**Run faster Thor! Don't hit yourself with your hammer! OH NO! RUN THOR! RUN FASTER!** **HE'S COMING! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHH**

…_..Thor's doomed._

**Thor was doomed when he didn't start running until Loki was almost on top of him**

_Dear god. We maybe should have attempted to try to save him….Or not XD_

**If we tried to save him we would be almost dead, Loki can't control his emotions**

_Strong are Loki's emotions mmm yes. Sorry Yoda mode couldn't help it._

**I don't think that anything could help him, maybe if he had a little more man in him**

_Maybe we could start a fund. "Help Loki gain some manliness!" _

**I think we would get a lot more money than some of the cancer funds. There are some girls that** **think Loki is hot…..**

_Uh, yeah. I know this one chick and her friend. Their names were Ariel and Ellie. They think he is really hot…._

**EWWW! I don't even like Loki, but there are a lot of people that find me attractive *winks***

_Um eww. More people find me attractive than you. Obviously. _

**I don't think so, there's this girl, Alex, she's really cool, cute, and finds me attractive. Plus, there** **are boat load more **

_Umm whatever. Oh! Stark is in need of a potty break. Be right baaack! Although if I was wearing the suit I could just go in that. I proved it at my birthday party!_

**Yeah, I know. I was at the party. It was a total disaster. I thought Pepper was going to cut your** **balls off haha. Then you and Loki would be PMSing together.**

_We could spend time together and sync up! Oh gosh I would love that! *sarcasm* _

**OH MY GOD! *palmface* Oh, wait. Super suit, man on period…. Never a good thing. Maybe it's** **better than you're a man… *walks away, says under breath* 'no one would love you either** **way.'**

_Dude! Sarcasm. Oh wait… maybe you don't know what it is considering you aren't from this century! Old Man!_

**I may be old, but at least I have a heart, and how in the hell are you alive? You don't even have** **a real heart! You don't have blood pumping through your veins. I get why you don't like me,** **because you have no heart, and no blood and you're jealous that's you don't like me! I totally** **understand now!**

_You know what? Let's just forget this mess… Too much stress and I may suffer a heart attack. AND MY BLOOD WOULD BE ON YOUR HANDS! Just saaaying ;D_

**How in the hell would you have a heart attack? You don't have a heart! Plus, I don't even think** **that you have any blood!**

_Ever heard of a false heart? That's pretty much what I have, blood still pumps! Maybe one day when your old heart gives out you will be able to have one also. Then you'll truly undertand. PUNK!_

**I think I have a little more time to live than you do, just because I was frozen doesn't mean a** **damn thing. Plus, by years I have been breathing, I would still be younger than you, which** **would probably make you die first. Even if you do manage to live forever, no one will like you** **because you will look all old and nasty!**

_First off. Look it up your like 92. Years you have been breathing your 22. ALTHOUGH. People would still _LOVE _me even though I am old. I would be saving their asses! _

**You wouldn't even have the ability to walk down the stairs without breaking a hip, hell you** **don't have that ability now! What makes you think that you would even be able to save** **people's asses when you're like 90 years old?**

_Besides I still have 60 some odd years before I am even 90. AND I live in houses full of stairs. If a person remains active even when they are still old, they will have bodies that could remain active and in action. Therefore, I continue to work out and save people by the time I am 90 I would still look younger and be able to save asses. _

**You wouldn't look younger.**

_I wouldn't look younger than I am now. I would look younger than 90. I would look maybe 70 or 60._

**You look like you're 70 NOW!**

_LIES!_

**No, not really. A lot of people say that you look a lot older than you actually are.**

_D': These are all lies! _

**Not really  
**_….I am going insane. _

**Tell me something that I don't know.**

_Well, I want food… JARVIS…Wait, you want anything Cap?_

**How about Subway?**

_JARVIS! SUBWAY! :3_

_**In head *jumps up and down, cheering* **_**Awesome! We should invite the others! We can have a** **party!**

_Yeah! Party! :D JARVIS MAKE MORE SUBWAY!_

**Get some beer, movies and popcorn! We're going to have a party!**

_Screw the beer. We'll have like expensive alcohol. Just cause I can. ;3_

**Only if you are buyin'**

_Well, duh._

**Okay, I'm in**

_Awesomess. JARVIS CALL THE AVENGERS IN! WE GONNA PAAAARTAAY!_

**As long as Stark doesn't pee in the suit again, I think it will be okay.**

_Naww, I won't get to drunk… Or at least try. _

**We are all going to get wasted. Is there some medicine that can prevent hangovers?**

_Umm, I will create it. NO Hangovers for the avengers._

**That would be cool, wait, I can't even get drunk **

_Wait why?_

**Because my metabolism is so high **

_Oh maybe I could tinker with your metabolism. ;p_

**That would be amazing! I would love to get wasted, at least once in a while.**

_Maybe while I'm tinkering with that I could give you a robot heart. XP_

**You touch my heart, I will kill you, I will stab you where your heart should be**

_Good luck, you'll see tonight at our movie, how well that went for Loki._

**Yeah, but Loki is a loser**

_Yeah, Loki is also a female._

**Yeah, hopefully he isn't on his period that would be really bad!**

_Um, yeah it would be! I am not dealing with that! _

**I don't think that anyone wants to deal with that, not even his new boyfriend.**

…_what? New boyfriend? Someone was insane enough to date him!_

**Yeah, and his name is Tony Stark**

_Ooooof course you would say that! DX_

**Yes, yes I would**

_Obviously…. 8ylymg7fi7wu oh sorry fell asleep on the keyboard..._

**You know what? Go suck Loki**

_WTF?! Dude… no. no. _

**He's your boyfriend; you should be able to satisfy him**

_Not my boyfriend. I am in a somewhat stable relationship with pepper!_

**You're dating a spice?**

_Better than dating Loki. _

**An't that the truth**

_Yeah, I know. Well, no one likes Hawkeye, so Loki can date Hawkeye. _

**That would be a very interesting couple…**

_Umm… Yeah, I guess it would. Let's not allow anyone to date Loki. O.o"_

**That would probably be for the better**

_Um Yeah. It really would._

_**Write your reviews, tell me what you think :)**_


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